My Blog

     He was brought in the emergency room, bleeding like hell. I didn’t know if he was conscious or what but when i was about to attend to him, on my way to the stretcher, i saw a familiar face. i was still for like ten seconds and was back to reality when the charge started shouting. i know that face somewhere… when i got closer, i saw his face clearly even though it was soaked with blood. i cried out his name, aloud that one of the physicians asked if i know him for identification purposes, the reception staff asked me for his name. i went back to him again, shaking him slightly as i call out him again, “Jason! Jason look at me! Jason, look at me, damn it!”, i don’t know but my tears were about to go when he slowly open his eyes and uttered, “ate?..”

     Tears were streaming down when i woke up that morning. It wasn’t real but the thought of seeing him, hearing his voice in a dream made me feel pain. And i prayed and even hoped that may it not happen for real.

     i met Jason when we were both on teenage years. I’m a year older and been always by his side when he needs me. Since he never had a big sister in his entire life, he found that in me. when i left home, i never heard from him in years and when we finally saw each other again, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. it was like a part of me finally came back that i’m whole again. He’s an attentive listener and to him i am a constant guide. Every second, every minute or every hour counts when we’re together. it seems time is endless nor does exist. there are a lot of things to share and laughters to fill. we have a lot of things in common, we almost wanted the same things.

     So… why do i feel pain instead of happiness?

     One mistake and everything ended. i never heard from him again and this time it will maybe forever. One mistake that i can never forgive myself. One mistake that takes everything away and felt that my soul was driven away from my body.

     How i wish he’s still with me, even saying hello or hear how his day went. How i wish we’re always the way we were supposed to be. How i wish i was not weak enough to spoil everything that made me feel everything was my fault.

    I lose a brother. Someone very important to me. Even that alone made me the happy person i can always be. Now that he’s gone, i can no longer find someone i can spill my frustrations nor find answers to my every difficult questions. Things i cannot just spill to my own siblings even to my bestfriend. Things that only him i can confide to because he can either bring me to ease the burden or challenge myself to conquer my weaknesses. Things that bothers him made me a strong person to learn from my life’s experiences.

     One mistake, i wish i never commit. Just because i was unsure and was on a bridge of moving on. But when he was gone do i realize my failure to him made it more difficult for me to start life once more. my second pain that i long to keep for i wish it never happened. a beginning that ended as it started. And it will remind me every time i hear his name nor remember him in anyway, that i will always be broken.

      How i wish i never said that, “i failed you because i’m starting to fall in love with you and it’s wrong and i may not be sure if what i’m feeling is right all along” which he responded, ” i love you too, Ami”.

I told my friends that it is the right time to open up my heart again. To go and meet new people and explore the possibilities of friendship or just simply to enjoy another’s company. i do believe i finally moved on. work may not be that great but at least i got to be optomistic and get used to the life i have here.

when i saw the “who viewed me” on my friendster. one click suddenly led me back to the same shit i was before. the pain in my heart burns like it just happened yesterday. i was confused with a lot of questions roaming inside my mind. and because it was too much to bear, i need an outlet. i asked a friend, i need a man’s point of view at this time around and his answer made it more difficult for it made me so hopeful.

so there i was, thinking, wanting some answers. and having lil’ patients that night, didn’t gave me enough diversion to get in control of my consciousness through reality. when i got home, tears once again dominated my entire room. in darkness, alone and weak.

i can’t believe one person will turn me into something like this. it’s easy to say that i should just let go when left without a definite answer for me to hang on to. i assumed all answers, it never really came from him. so i’m tied in a situation that unless someone or he himself will free me from chains that is keeping my heart for him alone.

so how much more? how long? how will i? questions continuesly flowing with one wish that for even just one second, he’ll answer me.

I had a dream where i was able to see my college friends once again, we hang out in a very simple way… by the piano, Edith, an indonesian friend of mine pulled me up for me to sing a song she taught me in the indonesian language, begging me to sing it again as she started to play it. Don’t get me wrong, Edith can speak tagalog very well and she had this fascination with Regine as one of her favorite singers… her favorite song “Kailangan Ko Ikaw”. I started singing and can’t help to do my best as i see the excitement in her eyes. i have known Edith that way, always cheerful and smiling.

Beside me was joyce known to us as TJ tho i call her “tita”. looking at the piano and smiling shyly. she joke around a bit as i sing a song, telling Edith to get out of the piano for her to play next. Klaudeen aka KC was her usual self. heehee! goofing around that i hear Edith and TJ laugh out loud.

i woke up with such longing. it would be great to see them again. the sound of the piano seemed so real. the best hang out ever. thank you for sharing this great memories with me. i miss you all. Love you best!

It has been more than a year when it was over. it’s almost a year that i had survived my chosen career path. i endured listening to the old songs, able to erase the portrait of memories that i had cried night after night. i thought i have finally overcome agony, pain and regret until i cried in front of a colleague.

I actually shed a tear out of being tired, but when she asked me the question, it even made me cry further in a realization that she might be right. And i hate to find it a fact. it was a simple question but made all of those memories i once withstand came rushing back like it spread through my blood. A question i want to deny and wished i haven’t heard and made me hate myself to be vulnerable with the feeling i should have conquered, “you really love him much, do you?”

the very last tear i shed was the answer. i surrendered and accept defeat. yes, i still do… always had… always will. He was not the first person in my life and many had took part of my past and my mistakes, but what we have for some reason was beyond compare. He made me believe things that i never wish i would and everything we shared together was the greatest details of my happiness.

one friend even told me, “she may be married and about to have a baby, but she doesn’t know that i still love her in a way i can never tell her. she is the woman i will never ever get over with.” i share the same sentiments with him, i know how it feels like and will be always in wonder how will i live through the day without him bothering my mind when i’m always alone. it sucks but then again, shit things happen.

i kept chanting in my mind that he’s not coming back and i know that he won’t be, but for some reason, remembering him in songs he sang to me especially at night when we’re about to sleep (he had a wonderful voice), the laughter of silly things we did, the hot chocolates as we enjoy the rain and the memory with sakura-chan, i don’t know why but it feels good. it made me cry but sometimes, it made me smile. am i crazy?

No, it’s not that. it’s just that i didn’t know that this is the feeling of loving someone so true and real. before, i believe that love is just a mere feeling that must be enjoyed, when it’s gone, there are no reasons to mourn because there would be another, it will not go empty, there will always be someone to fill. It was easy to lose someone and find another but this experience with him, the more i go away and try to forget, the more i realize that the love had grown in different proportions.

My mama said, that if we are meant to be, then it will happen. My friends said that there would be someone greater that will come along and i never stop believing that but i learned the importance of waiting, the right time, right moment and right person.

and if he comes, may he not let me forget the old one nor try to eradicate the treasure i built in my heart but may he come to make me be reborn to know him and that i could be the person i always dream i could ever be.

a friend of mine who was about to go home after 3 months complained to me like hell. she told me how it bores her going to work and feels like it’s taking her forever. i keep on assuring her that i feel that time is so fast for her to feel that way.

but here i am, 3 more gruelling months to go and i’m in the same shit she was in before. funny that sometimes, it got me daze thinking of home while at work,and it gives my concentration away.

i miss my siblings. they are all annoying but being away from them made me realize that i love them annoying me. they are the loudest people in the whole world and yet being deaf from their laughter and unbelievable volumes got me insane of wanting to hear them again.

i miss my friends too. friends when im down, they would rather celebrate it than leave me alone. i know some of them are no longer in the philippines. but reminiscing them in a place we spent the entire fun together is enough for me.

my cousins. crazy ones but love them! some of them that im close to are already on third degree but well, we never cared. im happy that i got to keep in touch with them with fb. very nice indeed.

but last night, i was able to be with my batch in ED. so pretty much the two of them were so excited about the upcoming vacation and it made me smile, i’m so weird to feel a bit depress when i’m not alone at all. seeing them so excited made me look forward to it with the same excitement they have. so even though i was pulled out to help in 4D i never mind whatever the charge asked me to do. i’m glad to help cuz i got the positive vibe. more thanks to my partner who giggled her way to take every corner of the female obs a vibrant portrait. hahaha!

oh, having the one riyal ice cream that morning was one of the great things i have in my saudi life! hope to work with you guys again soon. and really… thank you.

The older post got lost somehow. so i’m going to start another. may this be known to all of my friends that this is a post about me and no one else. may my friends understand that i’m sharing thoughts and emotions to state a clear mind and nothing correlated with others. so anything you felt to all of my writings are without judgment but a piece of my life experience of what i realize and mistakes that i have learned.

if some may strike you somehow, it is accidental and im not totally aware. and my deepest apologies. may it be clear to everyone who will read my work, that i am not the type of person who post grudges on blogs. it is not how i work with my anger. because doing that will not create any significance in my being. know…that most of the persons i share with my writings are those i care about or those i truly admired. those who pulled me down have no right to be acknowledged of any kind. so if you are able to find yourself being shared in my post, know that you are of great importance and those who earned my respect.

so as i start anew, i hope all of you may enjoy reading a piece of my life, a sentiments of my thoughts and warmth from my heart.

life is a long journey but the adventure it brings with anyone will make everything worth it.

have fun! =)